When I was 12, I asked you why I was in 3 foster homes as a child before you came to get me. You told me you were trying to teach my father a lesson. I got mad at you. I said ‘do you have any idea what went on there?’. I saw the guilt it evoked in your eyes. At the time, my anger wouldn’t allow me to tell you that it wasn’t your fault. I never intended to make you feel guilty and I would never blame you. If anything, I credit you… because everything that’s good in me, came from you. I love you. And I’m sorry.

(Source: alexisbelon.net)

I’m going to start referring to my grandma as my mother so people treat what I’m going through with the same sensitivity. This isn’t a woman I visited every other summer but the woman who raised me. So when I ask for my days off on my schedule to be back to back because I’m losing my grandmother and need to spend as much time with her as possible, I’d appreciate if I didn’t get the ‘that’s not serious enough’ look. This is my mother. Would you just say ‘I’m sorry’ and then continue talking about your mundane daily life as if I can focus on anything else if I had told you that it was my mom? I don’t get why grandmothers don’t get the respect they deserve. Mine’s a queen. I’d be nothing without her. Like, literally.

(Source: alexisbelon.net)

I don’t know what I expected from that email but when I seen his name in my inbox, I couldn’t help but smile, wishfully thinking he had read my blogs, took heed, matured and was hitting me up to sincerely apologize. Instead, his email consisted of everything our year and a half together was made of. False accusations, (as if he’d even have the right to comment on anyone I’m seeing IF I were), strategic mentions of the girl(s) he’s moved on to and a tongue lashing cleverly disguised as sophistication. 

The part that irked me the most was his sorry ass ‘sorry’. When he first admitted, it was absurd that he ever made me cut people out of my life, I was ecstatic that he was finally realizing that I don’t need someone who feels the need to dictate to me; I need trust. But then when that “apology” turned to something along the lines of ‘I learned my lesson. Next time if I ask a female to cut someone off and she questions it, I just won’t deal with her.’…. o_O Huh?! Yeah… real progressive thought process, you have there, buddy. Funny the person you made me cut off is still around and you’re not. Do men really expect me to discontinue life long friendships for someone who is more than likely temporary? I guess I’ve learned my lesson too. Because if a man ever even suggested something of the sort, I’d end it right then and there. No trust, no us.

It’s not that I want my ex back. Trust me, it will never happen. I just find it kind of silly to let a staple stage of your growth as a person end acrimoniously. I spent every waking second with him for over a year so naturally, I’d want it to end amicably. I’d want anyone in my life to remember me fondly if we should ever part, not bitterly. I just want people to be able to look back on the time they spent with me and think ‘I’m glad I had her in my life’. And it’s difficult for me to know that the person who knew me better than anyone, exited my life harboring such animosity towards me.

I guess that’s the advantage of being so close to death. I learned at the tender age of 16 when I lost Samad while I was giving him the silent treatment that I would never let someone I cared about leave this earth thinking I was angry or upset with them. With some of my loved ones, I feel like I’m damned near anticipating their death, so I never hang up the phone without telling them I love them, I never leave their presence without letting them know how much they mean to me. Because I mean… what if it’s today? What if my mom dies while I’m not speaking to her? Sure she abandoned me at an early age, but it’s not my place to punish her for it, so I don’t hold a grudge against her. Selfishly, I suppose. Because in the end, it’d do me more harm than good.

And that’s why I wish he never sent that email. Because despite all the bad, I was remembering him affectionately. I talked about him with utmost respect to my family, I never took away from the good man that I believed him to be and I honored what we had together because it was such a vital phase in who I was, who I am and who I am becoming. I’m grateful for him. Genuinely. But that email smacked me in the face with reality and exposed the mean spirit within him that I had pushed to the back of my mind. I hate that that’s how I’ll remember him from now on. Not fondly. But as prick.

If I died… that’s how he’d be remembered.

(Source: alexisbelon.net)

Realistically speaking, my most recent ex is the one I should be able maintain a healthy friendship with. Maybe, not yet. But I’m pretty cordial with every man from my past except for the one I spent most of my time with, who knew me the best, who I loved the most. Why is he the one I can’t even speak to anymore? At first, it was because I wasn’t over him. Now that I am, I wonder why I have so much hostility within me when it comes to him that I refuse to ever reach out. But I realized… I can’t. And it took another man from my past to see that.

Recently, an old fling hit me up to simply say ‘I apologize for our past’. He didn’t justify himself with all the things I did wrong. He didn’t have ulterior motives with this apology because he’s in a healthy relationship. He had just genuinely realized the fault within himself and was sincerely sorry. And that’s all I needed to hear to let go of whatever resentment I was harboring towards him. Our situation wasn’t even that serious but that apology really meant the world to me.

And then I realized, I’ll never get that from him. I remember watching our relationships crumble while holding onto it in vain and how remorseful I was. I blamed myself for everything. I’d go visit him at his new place and just cry to him, “If I could do it all over again, I’d do everything differently.” And I meant it with every fiber of my being. I would go back in time, and show him the attentiveness he deserved then. I would’ve never lost his dog. I would never have moved in with him so quickly. I would’ve put more effort into my relationship with his mom and sisters. I would go back and fix everything that made him lose respect for me, or that twinkle in his eye when he looked at me.  That was sincere. I meant that. If I could go back and change things, I really would’ve.

But he never acknowledged any of his faults. He never felt the least bit responsible for the change in my entire spirit and outlook on love and relationships.  Not genuinely anyway. Maybe to appease me. But you can always tell when someone is really sorry. When someone has truly reflected on their mistakes and earnestly regrets it from the bottom of their heart. That’s what I need from him. But I’m not sure he can ever give that to me. 

(Source: alexisbelon.net)

I don’t mean to stereotype or categorize but everyone has a preference and typically the men who pursue me prefer the curly headed, ethnically ambiguous, bohemian, free spirited  type chicks. I’ve witnessed what you go after now that we’re over and I’m doubting that I was ever your type. These girls - with their perfectly straight perms, petite frames, superficiality, and everything else that I’m just not. Is that what you really wanted all along? Because you were the one person to call me beautiful, and I really believed it but now I’m plagued with self doubt. But it could be worse. You could’ve actually moved on to a curly headed, ethnically ambiguous, bohemian, free spirited type. Then, I’d really be mad.

(Source: alexisbelon.net)

Relationship was doomed when I considered creating a fake to talk to my ex. Not to catch him. But to experience his sweet side again. Yes. Things had really gotten that bad. I’d see the endearing way he talked to girls in his messages & yearn for him to talk to me like that again. But he talked to me w/ disgust. I got off on witnessing him interact with other females. It had become the only way I could experience the sweet man he used to be to me. That’s just real shit.

(Source: alexisbelon.net)

If I had the opportunity to chill with my inner child, I’d probably bow my head in shame. When I think of the fearless shit I used to do as a kid, I can’t even believe I’m still alive. If there were woods near by, I was walking through them. A cliff by the ocean? Kicking my shoes off and climbing that joint. A game going on, I was IN it. A ‘Do Not Enter’ sign? Don’t mind if I do! I was wandering through life just looking for a something to explore and everyday was an adventure. And she’d be so disappointed to find out what she grew up to be. It’s like I got older and got dumber. Little Lex would feel downright betrayed to see me being such a vanity slave and investing so much time and money into things like hair and make-up. She’d curl in a ball and cry to find out that a decent portion of my time is spent being a screen slave to technology. And she’d laugh in my face at what I call ‘friendship’. I think that’s the validation I yearn for. I’m not seeking approval from my family, my future children, or society. I’m seeking for it from her. She lived. I merely exist.

(Source: alexisbelon.net)

So, I added a playlist and ended scrolling to my tumblr. Which makes me a sell-out to those of us who been blogging since livejournal but whatever. I just want people to be able to light one, and scroll down page and feel like they’re chillin’ with me. Because in essence, you are. 

Money and self respect go hand in hand.

Boys don’t really wine and dine me. They invite me to run errands with them. Freestyle with them. Cook with them. Chill on the sofa and watch them play video games. Smoke weed. Etc. Eventually, they fall in love with me, sure… but I can’t think of any man who ever made any type of effort to impress me. Planned a date out. Got me a gift that was true to my character and showed me they were thinking about me. I’m not that girl, y’know, for whatever reason. It’s not that the dudes I date aren’t into romancing someone because I’ve seen those very guys get nervous for a girl, put up a front to impress her, open doors for her and just go out of their way to court her. There’s something within me that doesn’t command that type of treatment from men.

So I stalk the girls that do. I study their demeanor and I try to find the common denominator. They’re always smiley, unavailable, dressed expensively… and just…everything that I’m not. I see that their idealist attitudes have been imbedded in them for a very long time.. and then it all comes to me - they all grew up with a healthy support system and in fortunate circumstances. Now I’m not saying they’re rich. Naw, not at all. But I’m saying they don’t know how ego-crushing going through high school with three pairs of jeans is for a teenage girl. Or how it is to have a parent who didn’t give a fuck about your future enough to EVER step foot in your high school or check your report card. I look back and I can almost see it happening. My self depreciation, that is.

I can see 14 year old Alexis lowering her head in the hallway as the girl who’s hand-me-down timbs she was wearing walks by with her group of friends and making sure I never made contact with her. After all, she knew. I can see 15 year old Alexis throwing out all the sweaters Mrs. Watson gave her in front of the whole class because she wouldn’t be caught dead in any of them. I can see 16 year old Alexis coming to terms with the fact that she was second priority to drugs to the people who were supposed to love her more than anything in the world. I can see Alexis lying to friends who asked if the crackhead in the store was her mother. I can see 17 year old Alexis hiding her short stories and doodles, things she once proudly showed off, after her poems were read aloud by her own father in that mocking tone. I can see me, being stripped of all my self confidence, slowly but surely.

I don’t blame my father for being poor. Poverty isn’t the biggest issue here. Plenty of girls grew up in similar circumstances. But fathers set the tone for what their daughter will accept from a man and I resent him for that. Not only did he fail to build up my sense of self worth, he helped destroy it. I’ve yet to date a man who hasn’t been abusive to me in some way, shape or form but then again.. that’s what I’ve been conditioned to expect from the people I love. Fathers, be good to your daughters. Daughters will love like you do.