dauphinexvx asked: I just watched your "I am black" and "If this were slavery..." videos. I can relate to you so much, right down to the freckles. (Only that my natural hair colour is about your dyed hair colour and I dye it black, just the other way around ;) It is nice to just *know* one is not alone! <3

It is nice to know <3 Thank you.

I really need someone to just let me cry. To just let me FEEL. And not try to mask it, fix it or avoid it so the negative energy doesn’t plague THEM. My generation has somehow misconstrued teachings of enlightenment and the law of attraction into ignoring all suffering going on around them so it doesn’t effect their oh-so-positive thinking. When my grandmother passed and I was bed ridden and dying, there wasn’t a friend who cared enough to stop by or call and make sure I fucking ate. They didn’t want to “see the negativity”. And now. Now is just one big reality check of how alone I really am. There isn’t a parent to show me what I need for my apartment. My phone didn’t ring ONCE on my birthday. Getting my father to answer my calls is like pulling teeth. And my friends. Ha. Did they ever even really exist? The only person who ever selflessly empathized with me is gone. And I just want one person, just ONE person, in the whole wide world to restore my faith in humanity. I’m hurting. I’m scared. I’m alone. And I need someone who will hear that and get out of their own ‘self’ for just two seconds and feel compassion. If The Buddha saw how you all are flipping a philosophy that stems from compassion and ‘otherness’ into something so self oriented, he’d be disgusted. My generation is taking ancient philosophy that was based on compassion for OTHERS and turning it into something very self oriented. It isn’t about avoiding suffering and negativity, it’s about dealing with it. But to turn a blind eye and pretend suffering isn’t happen because it makes your life easier is just naive and regressive. I just want to know that they weren’t all right when they said I lived in a “fantasy world”. But the more I grow, the more I realize my yearning for unconditional love and genuine friendship and ‘otherness’ is just that… a fantasy.

It’s 4:58 in the morning & I haven’t gotten a lick of sleep. It’s my first night alone in my apartment. … Well technically, it’s my second night, but last night, I was so scared, I refused to even stay here. So I went to my dads. As introverted as I am, you think I’d enjoy my solitude.. and I do. But the presence of ‘another’ when I fall asleep has been such a standard part of my life that the chaos was my comfort zone. I grew up with 6 brothers and slew of rotating family members in a city so I’ve never went to sleep to silence. Even when I grew up, I always had a roommate, a significant other or a family member around. So this is quite the culture shock for me. 

I’m thinking of getting a kitten. I’ve never been a cat lady. Ever. I don’t even believe in cat people because felines possess such individuality that you can’t even group them that way. But I can’t have a puppy so I’ve been contemplating a cat to fill this void. With dogs… it’s so different. You can damned near guarantee that any dog you take care of will love the fuck out of you and be loyal. With a cat, you can feed and raise them and come to find out, your personalities just clash. Because each cat is just that different. Some you’ll get along with and some you won’t. It’s such a risky relationship to embark on… but I’ve got to start somewhere with my fear of commitment, right.

If you were planning on getting me anything for my birthday, (the 13th), please just make it a simple housewarming present from my wishlist because apparently I was under the impression that apartments just CAME with things like can openers, and towel racks, and shit that I aint never even thought of buying. All those little things add up quickly. It’d be more appreciated than you could EVER know.